I know it's been awhile since I last posted anything. I couldn't sleep and I was stuck in my own head with a few thoughts so I thought I would just let the feelings pour out so here it goes. Sorry if the grammar or spelling is not what it usually is my proofreader is asleep in bed.

First thing I would like to get off my chest is how much I miss one of my longest and dearest best friends in the world. I was laying in bed the past few nights wondering why we drifted so far apart. Was it because of the falling out our wives had or was it because of my inability to control my mental problems? You all have to understand that this person was considered the other half of my brain. We did and have been through a lot together. I have seen more movies, concerts and wrestling shows with him than any other person in my life. He has been there through bad breakups and family tragedies as I have with him. He had my back when I yelled at a professional wrestler LOL. He turned me on to one of my favorite bands and I would like to think I broadened some of his musical tastes to. Hanging out we always had a blast making up stupid games to pass the time away while waiting in line for a movie or a concert to start. I missed his wedding and the birth of his first child. We each called each others Parents mom and dad. I just really wanted to let him know that if he is reading this that I think about you daily my friend and I love you. Hopefully we will become close again.

Now lately I have been going through a  roller coaster of emotions one minute I am kind of happy and optimistic the next minute I feel completely useless then I feel scared. I am scheduled for the first of 2 bariatric surgeries next year. These are kind of serious surgeries that will hopefully change my life for the better health wise but I am afraid of the what ifs like what if something goes wrong. One of my other things is I am seeing myself as a failure again when it comes to being a husband and son. I have been trying to curb these feelings but its really hard when I still can't doing anything financially to help my wife visit her sick mother in Texas or pay for things that need professional work when it comes to this house. I am waiting to hear on my SSDI appeal but that can take up to 3 months and even then its not a guarantee its really stressful. I was hoping that maybe we would be in Oregon in 2016 but that isn't even looking like a possibility. So I battle with emotions and feelings of violence to cause harm to myself. Sorry got sidetracked for a second back to the bariatric surgery they will be stapling my stomach to the size of approximately a banana before the surgery I will be on nothing but shakes for 2 weeks then after the surgery it will be nothing but liquids and then soft foods like baby foods and I have to be careful of what I intake food wise as to not mess up anything its terrifying to me. I have been finding myself getting frustrated with the littlest things imaginable. There are times where I think to myself wouldn't it be easier to just say F it and end it all. I don't plan on doing that but I hate having those thoughts. I hate wishing ill will on people that are able to go out or buy things or who are able to move out of California to better places. I get upset that things I loved to do I cant do right now and maybe never be able to. I am sad that I don't have a child for my mother to be a grandmother or for me to raise because I honestly think I would of been  pretty cool dad. I do know a lot that can help a child grow and learn well except for that common core math crap that shit is confusing lol. I would love to adopt since I was adopted and I find that adoption is a wonderful thing. I really miss my buddies Karl Hoeting, Michael Kibbit, Jonah Scott, and Dennis Coppock.
I miss my sense of humor that got me these friends and some of the other friends I have. I miss my cousins in Oregon so much it pains me everyday. I truly miss my Father and both my Grandparents and my Uncle Bob. I hope in someway I have made them proud with my unrelenting devotion to my mom and wife. I don't know how to explain to you all how much this social anxiety and depression makes one feel. I just truly hope and pray that none of you have to ever go through it.

2016 is one day away I truly hope that it is a better year I am going to try my best to look at the brighter side and keep a positive attitude I may not succeed but I will try my best. I mean that's all anyone can do right? Well I think that's about it for now I love you all be good to each other.

John Burstein