Depression and what it feels like.

So I thought I would do a post to explain the feelings that happen when what I have been diagnosed with rear their ugly heads. First I will let those that don't know I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Phobia, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Pain Disorder. I will try to explain as much as I can I was injured in 2009 at work. I have been on workman's comp since that time, during which the stress of not being able to work and battling with workman's comp has taken a subsequent toll both physically and mentally.

What it feels like when the depression kicks in. OK first, let's get this out there. I do have some few and far between good days. This is not to make people feel sorry for me and some of this might be hard for some of you that have known me for a long time to read. When it hits I feel like crying, staying in bed, not talking to anyone and constantly dwelling on things of a what if nature. Things I loved doing I don't want to do I can't convey feelings and I constantly feel worthless and feel like a failure to those around me. Then there is the suicidal thoughts that abound in my head. These range from wishing that I don't wake up in the morning to when people are gone and its just me in the house, how easy it would be to take a razor and a bath to popping a lot of pills or even putting a bullet through my head. At times these become so overwhelming to the point it takes every ounce of energy to not do it. There are times where I feel like I wouldn't even be missed or people would be much better without me around. It also affects the relationship with my wife whom I love more than anything else in this world. It makes me think that she could of done better without me. She suffers from Crohn's Disease and at times it makes her very ill. When she gets ill. I always think that I have done something wrong and constantly ask her if she is upset with me. She replies with no, but after awhile I forget that I asked her and I ask her again, This can go on for days depending on how bad she is feeling from her disease. I am honestly surprised she hasn't kicked my ass for being annoying about it. She is understanding but I can tell the constant forgetting and asking gets to her.

Now as far as the generalized anxiety disorder and social phobia goes they also create havoc with the depression and how it can get debilitating. I used to be very outgoing now not at all. There have been times where I have gone to a friends house to hang out but now it's quite a chore. I start to feel physically sick and  I try to think of excuses not to go. The biggest thing is I start thinking that others are staring and cast judgement my way. For example, if we go someplace that has a electric cart I will need to use it but most of the time I wont and try to deal with the pain which is excruciating because I think people are saying look at the big fat guy that cant walk. I constantly feel that everyone thinks I am faking it or just lazy. I have distanced myself from longtime friends cause I don't want them to see this morbidly obese guy that is now over 400 lbs when they remember me being a bit healthier and not so grotesque. This becomes troubling because I don't go out much I stay inside but then I go stir crazy inside. I definitely don't like having people over due to the condition of the house. That's something completely different and I would like you to respect my wishes by not asking. So when the stir crazy kicks in and we decide to go out and do something the whole nausea and feeling like I am gonna have a heart attack kicks in its a never ending cycle.

I hope this sheds some light onto everything and gives you all a understanding of some of what I am going through. I am taking medicine for the depression and my therapist suggested this blog page. With my wonderful wife, my awesome therapist, my kindly grandfather looking psychiatrist, my best mom you could ever ask for, and a few friends that have been with me through this whole thing, they know who they are. I am trying to take things day by day.

I am just letting you guys know That this type of depression IS NOTHING like your typical "oh I just feel sad kinda day". This is an all the time feeling that really doesn't end so its an everyday battle to wake up and try to find something good no matter how small it is to get through the day kind of thing. I don't know if I will ever conquer it but I will try my damnedest to not let it defeat me.

45 Things That I Remember as I Hit 45

Well lets start of by saying that today I am 45 yrs old. Woohoo! (please note sarcasm). With this milestone, I am surprised that I have made it this long. I thought I would blog about things I remember growing up, in no particular order...

1. Cds
2. VCRs (Please be kind and rewind)
3. Walkmans (For those of you not in the know, walkmans played cassette tapes)
4. Cassette Tapes (Little reel to reel devices you recorded music on)
5. When MTV played actual music videos.
6. LPs also known as records 
7. Bikes with a banana seat
8. The Mullet and yes at one point in my life I had one. Dont judge me!
9. TVs with dials,rabbit ears and once midnight rolled around National Anthem was played         and you got a test pattern.
10. Select TV and On TV were your only Premium Cable stations.
11. The greatest toy ever made was the Evil Knievel stunt cycle.
12. Ticket books for amusement parks.
13. Playing outside with friends till street lamps came on. Then hearing parents yell for the           the kids to come inside.
14. Roller skates 
15. Vehicles made from Steel
16. Riding in the back of a station wagons back seat that faced the opposite way.
17. Riding in the back of a truck
18. Giving yourself third degree burns on a metal park slide.
19. Atari, Collecovision, Intellivision, and the Commodore 64.
20. Rotary Dial phones.
21. Getting a page and trying to find a phone.
22. Smuggling friends into a drive in movie via the trunk of a car.
23. UHF and VHF
24. Star Wars was the end all be all movie.
26. Getting spanked at school was not considered corporal punishment.
27. Trapper Keepers
28. Making your own book covers out of paper bags and Pee Chee folders
29. Playing a record backwards to hear a message about the devil.
30. Saturday morning Cartoons.
31. Kung Fu Theater.
32. Denim Jackets 
33. Rock music buttons to pin on aforementioned denim jacket.
34. Being cool if you could afford Levis
35. Being uncool if you wore Wranglers
36. Snap bracelets 
37. Jelly Shoes I never had those, but the wife did!
38. Safety Dance
39. Schoolhouse Rock
40. Reading Rainbow and the Electric Company
41. Wax coke bottles and lips
42. Davey and Goliath on Sunday mornings
43. Doctor Demento radio show
44. Boom Boxes and Parachute pants
45. Arcades

This list brings back some memories I love and some I would like to forget. (See #8 The mullet) By the way when did Metallica, Bon Jovi, Motley Crue, Poison, Warrant, Pearl Jam, and Sound Garden become Classic Rock? 


        

A little bit about myself.

My name is John. I live in Southern California with my awesome wife Heather aka Chaoticrantings. Even though I like California, I truly feel connected to Oregon. It just it offers so much more for an old guy like myself. (more on that in future blogs).

What to say about myself. I am currently unemployed due to a work injury that has resulted in weight gain, some leg problems and now have been diagnosed with sever depression and social anxiety disorder. My therapist suggested that I start a blog because she says with my off the wall sense of humor I should give it a try.

So here I am blogging about a lot of different things from weird lil rants, to more important things like my upcoming Gastric Bypass with sleeve surgery to help me lose a substantial amount of weight. I will be blogging about the surgery and weight loss every week after it happens.

I am an avid fisherman I love fishing almost as much as I love my wife. I am lucky enough to have found a soul mate that shares the interests that I love. We are both avid gamers. We met 8 years ago playing a little video game called World of Warcraft, maybe you've heard of it? We have been married now 3 years and she can still put up with my weirdness after after all that time.

We have a pug (Daisy) who is kinda fat, chihuahua (Princess) who is a lil spaz, four cats; Chowmein, Xander, Patches, and Princess Fluffybum. All four of them are different in personalities and egos. I have two stepkids, Meghan and Eric. I have yet to meet Eric but have met Meghan. She is so talented and funny as all get out. She reminds me of a younger female version of myself. I just hope she doesn't do all the crazy things I did when I was younger and physically able to do things. Being able to run from the scene helps you know. She has a daughter who will be 3 years old soon. She is so adorable and I can't wait to meet her. They live in Kansas so its hard to meet them due to financial constraints.

I am just starting out as a video game streamer on Twitch. I enjoy gaming greatly and have been gaming since the age of about 6 and see no signs of stopping anytime soon. I do fine with some games. Others can be overwhelming sometimes but I just think that's me getting old. Games I like playing are Diablo3, Dayz, Risen, Titan Quest, Path of Exile, Skyrim, and Fallout 3, just to name a few. I have an xbox 360 and a new pc that I am blogging to you from and for streaming on twitch. The pc was gotten for me from a huge joint effort from friends and family to help me with this huge undertaking and life changing trip I am about to go on.

Thank you for taking the time to read and hopefully I will entertain and enlighten you all in the future weeks and so on.
John aka Fuzzyjohn on Twitch.