Depression and what it feels like.

So I thought I would do a post to explain the feelings that happen when what I have been diagnosed with rear their ugly heads. First I will let those that don't know I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Phobia, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Pain Disorder. I will try to explain as much as I can I was injured in 2009 at work. I have been on workman's comp since that time, during which the stress of not being able to work and battling with workman's comp has taken a subsequent toll both physically and mentally.

What it feels like when the depression kicks in. OK first, let's get this out there. I do have some few and far between good days. This is not to make people feel sorry for me and some of this might be hard for some of you that have known me for a long time to read. When it hits I feel like crying, staying in bed, not talking to anyone and constantly dwelling on things of a what if nature. Things I loved doing I don't want to do I can't convey feelings and I constantly feel worthless and feel like a failure to those around me. Then there is the suicidal thoughts that abound in my head. These range from wishing that I don't wake up in the morning to when people are gone and its just me in the house, how easy it would be to take a razor and a bath to popping a lot of pills or even putting a bullet through my head. At times these become so overwhelming to the point it takes every ounce of energy to not do it. There are times where I feel like I wouldn't even be missed or people would be much better without me around. It also affects the relationship with my wife whom I love more than anything else in this world. It makes me think that she could of done better without me. She suffers from Crohn's Disease and at times it makes her very ill. When she gets ill. I always think that I have done something wrong and constantly ask her if she is upset with me. She replies with no, but after awhile I forget that I asked her and I ask her again, This can go on for days depending on how bad she is feeling from her disease. I am honestly surprised she hasn't kicked my ass for being annoying about it. She is understanding but I can tell the constant forgetting and asking gets to her.

Now as far as the generalized anxiety disorder and social phobia goes they also create havoc with the depression and how it can get debilitating. I used to be very outgoing now not at all. There have been times where I have gone to a friends house to hang out but now it's quite a chore. I start to feel physically sick and  I try to think of excuses not to go. The biggest thing is I start thinking that others are staring and cast judgement my way. For example, if we go someplace that has a electric cart I will need to use it but most of the time I wont and try to deal with the pain which is excruciating because I think people are saying look at the big fat guy that cant walk. I constantly feel that everyone thinks I am faking it or just lazy. I have distanced myself from longtime friends cause I don't want them to see this morbidly obese guy that is now over 400 lbs when they remember me being a bit healthier and not so grotesque. This becomes troubling because I don't go out much I stay inside but then I go stir crazy inside. I definitely don't like having people over due to the condition of the house. That's something completely different and I would like you to respect my wishes by not asking. So when the stir crazy kicks in and we decide to go out and do something the whole nausea and feeling like I am gonna have a heart attack kicks in its a never ending cycle.

I hope this sheds some light onto everything and gives you all a understanding of some of what I am going through. I am taking medicine for the depression and my therapist suggested this blog page. With my wonderful wife, my awesome therapist, my kindly grandfather looking psychiatrist, my best mom you could ever ask for, and a few friends that have been with me through this whole thing, they know who they are. I am trying to take things day by day.

I am just letting you guys know That this type of depression IS NOTHING like your typical "oh I just feel sad kinda day". This is an all the time feeling that really doesn't end so its an everyday battle to wake up and try to find something good no matter how small it is to get through the day kind of thing. I don't know if I will ever conquer it but I will try my damnedest to not let it defeat me.