I know it's been awhile since I last posted anything. I couldn't sleep and I was stuck in my own head with a few thoughts so I thought I would just let the feelings pour out so here it goes. Sorry if the grammar or spelling is not what it usually is my proofreader is asleep in bed.

First thing I would like to get off my chest is how much I miss one of my longest and dearest best friends in the world. I was laying in bed the past few nights wondering why we drifted so far apart. Was it because of the falling out our wives had or was it because of my inability to control my mental problems? You all have to understand that this person was considered the other half of my brain. We did and have been through a lot together. I have seen more movies, concerts and wrestling shows with him than any other person in my life. He has been there through bad breakups and family tragedies as I have with him. He had my back when I yelled at a professional wrestler LOL. He turned me on to one of my favorite bands and I would like to think I broadened some of his musical tastes to. Hanging out we always had a blast making up stupid games to pass the time away while waiting in line for a movie or a concert to start. I missed his wedding and the birth of his first child. We each called each others Parents mom and dad. I just really wanted to let him know that if he is reading this that I think about you daily my friend and I love you. Hopefully we will become close again.

Now lately I have been going through a  roller coaster of emotions one minute I am kind of happy and optimistic the next minute I feel completely useless then I feel scared. I am scheduled for the first of 2 bariatric surgeries next year. These are kind of serious surgeries that will hopefully change my life for the better health wise but I am afraid of the what ifs like what if something goes wrong. One of my other things is I am seeing myself as a failure again when it comes to being a husband and son. I have been trying to curb these feelings but its really hard when I still can't doing anything financially to help my wife visit her sick mother in Texas or pay for things that need professional work when it comes to this house. I am waiting to hear on my SSDI appeal but that can take up to 3 months and even then its not a guarantee its really stressful. I was hoping that maybe we would be in Oregon in 2016 but that isn't even looking like a possibility. So I battle with emotions and feelings of violence to cause harm to myself. Sorry got sidetracked for a second back to the bariatric surgery they will be stapling my stomach to the size of approximately a banana before the surgery I will be on nothing but shakes for 2 weeks then after the surgery it will be nothing but liquids and then soft foods like baby foods and I have to be careful of what I intake food wise as to not mess up anything its terrifying to me. I have been finding myself getting frustrated with the littlest things imaginable. There are times where I think to myself wouldn't it be easier to just say F it and end it all. I don't plan on doing that but I hate having those thoughts. I hate wishing ill will on people that are able to go out or buy things or who are able to move out of California to better places. I get upset that things I loved to do I cant do right now and maybe never be able to. I am sad that I don't have a child for my mother to be a grandmother or for me to raise because I honestly think I would of been  pretty cool dad. I do know a lot that can help a child grow and learn well except for that common core math crap that shit is confusing lol. I would love to adopt since I was adopted and I find that adoption is a wonderful thing. I really miss my buddies Karl Hoeting, Michael Kibbit, Jonah Scott, and Dennis Coppock.
I miss my sense of humor that got me these friends and some of the other friends I have. I miss my cousins in Oregon so much it pains me everyday. I truly miss my Father and both my Grandparents and my Uncle Bob. I hope in someway I have made them proud with my unrelenting devotion to my mom and wife. I don't know how to explain to you all how much this social anxiety and depression makes one feel. I just truly hope and pray that none of you have to ever go through it.

2016 is one day away I truly hope that it is a better year I am going to try my best to look at the brighter side and keep a positive attitude I may not succeed but I will try my best. I mean that's all anyone can do right? Well I think that's about it for now I love you all be good to each other.

John Burstein

Special thanks

Just when I pretty much lost all faith in humanity I get wonderfully surprised. I won't go into much detail but I have been hitting a really bad spell with bills lately mostly them getting backed up sometime almost getting some utility bills shut off due to not being able to pay on time. Yesterday was a perfect example. I was on the Yucaipa Buy Sell Trade 2.0 Facebook page. I was just asking a simple question about if anyone new of any programs that could help with utility bills. To my surprise the out pouring of help and suggestions was overwhelming needless to say someone actually offered to help pay it, and this person didn't even know me. So I just wanted to share this with all of you who take the time to read this blog. That no matter how dark everything seems to be or becomes there are still wonderful unselfish people out there willing to go that extra mile to help someone in need. So to all of you on the Yucaipa Buy Sell Trade 2.0 Facebook I thank you From the bottom of my heart. To all my friends and family who have also gone above and beyond by helping by either making sure I get to my Dr.'s appointments to just lending helpful words of encouragement to some and you know who you are that have gone even further by helping me in other ways. I truly thank you. You don't realize how much you all have helped back away from a very dangerous ledge.
Please know your hard work isn't in in vain I am fighting and will continue to fight. Once everything works out I will definitely pay it forward.

Thank you all and God Bless.

Thoughts that consume me.

I lay awake at night and the thoughts bombard me constantly. What did I do to deserve what has been happening these past few years? Who did I wrong that keeps me on this path of suffering? Why can't I keep these horrible thoughts from invading every aspect of my life? I look across the room when I am alone with these thoughts and see the pill bottle calling me. Telling me it would be ok, it will help stop the pain. I have lost many friends to this depression. I lay awake countless nights with thoughts of how many people actually know or let alone care what I am going through. How many people say things like he is just wanting sympathy or its not as bad as he is making it out to believe. Why do I feel that I need to keep a distance from people because I may hurt them. Why do I have the urge to just start punching people till I feel better about myself. Some thoughts go into greater detail like doing something drastic and overly violent to people just to shed light on the frustration of the turmoil of what I am going through with this depression and the never ending battle with worker's comp and the situation  I am in at this house. I see people who are living happy lives and things going their way and while I am completely happy and proud for them. The thoughts of just wanting to hate them start to creep in. This is not me this is not who I am. I am John I am the one who has always had friends who has always been the overly funny guy that people like having around. I feel him slipping away being over taken by this hateful, depressed fueled violent dark person that wants to cause pain and hurt to everyone around him and this terrifies me. I want to be happy I want to enjoy time with my loved ones. I don't want to just have little moments of happiness that eventually give way to darker thoughts like they have been lately. I love my wife and my mother. I don't want to put them through this anymore than what they have already had to be put through with me. I want to go out and be me. I want to be the John that didn't care what people thought! I want to be the John that people called jolly and happy and fun to be around. Not this john that has alienated some good friends and have pissed off other friends to where they don't even acknowledge my existence. If this keeps up I am afraid of what will happen there is only so much I can fight before I give up throw in the towel. I want to get better! I need to get better!

I love you all thank you for taking the time to read this.

What's going on and other things everyone should know.

OK Where to begin since it's been awhile since I blogged due to things and feelings which I will explain I haven't been feeling like doing anything. My psychotherapist told me I should honestly blog about everything that has been going on so here we go.

I was injured in August of 2009 at work . Before all of this I was active,  I made okay money, I was able to help support my mother and my soon to be wife, I was losing weight, I would go fishing and the movies and I was able to walk around without difficulty.  In 2010 I was put on a leave of absence from work because work couldn't accommodate my work restrictions. Around Halloween time I had surgery for the injury which didn't really help and from that injury I ended up with other complications to other body parts. Start of 2011 workman's comp started arguing everything that came up to the point where I needed to get a lawyer. In 2011 workman's comp stopped paying me so what money I was getting stopped at this point my employer sent me a letter saying that I was fired due to the medical condition from my injury. Now I tried to get unemployment but that couldn't be done because unemployment said they need income from the previous year which they couldn't get because I wasn't working. I wasn't working because from 2010 till now 2015 I have been listed has TTD, (Temporary Totally Disabled). The lawyer has advised me that working would cause problems with my workman's comp case. Now because of all of this and the injury which wasn't allowing me to walk very well or do any kind of exercise I have gained close to 100 lbs. Because of that the injury and my limp has created severe knee pain and lower back pain. Because of the weight gain and not being able to work, it has triggered severe depression and a social anxiety disorder.

My lawyer got me in to see a new orthopedic doctor, who is just wonderful. He said that my knee injury that was caused by my ankle surgery and it has changed the way I walk. I have two minor tears in my ligaments. The problem is that he doesn't want to do surgery because at my weight it wouldn't really fix anything. He then suggested bariatric weight loss surgery. Well of course workman's comp said no. Then the lawyer said okay lets go to court. We go to court, which honestly happens every few months because this company doesn't get in touch with people, or returns calls, just constantly says no. Well, we get the okay for the surgery and I get to go to a consultation for my bariatric surgery. I go through what takes a years time of testing because at every door they say no or they don't return authorization. Finally though I finish up with the tests, get medications to control blood pressure and other things that were brought on by the huge weight gain and change in my lifestyle from my injury. I go for a follow up with my bariatric surgeon and he says they will call me to schedule the date of my surgery when the get the final clearance from workman's comp. The kicker is now workman's comp is saying no again to the surgery and it's been almost 6 months since my last tests. This time it's supposedly because they aren't accredited with workman's comp. Come to find out, no bariatric surgeon is. So here I am, having to wait again for another court date and if it doesn't happen soon, I will have to go through another series of tests, which could take another year.

During this time for the past 3 years I haven't had any source of income what so ever. My mother, who is in her late sixties is working and the social security that she gets from my father passing takes care of the mortgage payment. My wife who suffers from Crohns disease is also working on and off. The house we live in still has over 90k in mortgage left. Bills are stacking up and I even at one point sold my car to make sure bills were covered. The flooring in our house is destroyed, and half the electrical in the house doesn't work. I can't do anything to fix it because workman's comp is dragging this out and making things difficult.

I have signed up for disability, they turned me down twice and I had to get a lawyer for that as well. At the moment, I am temporarily totally disabled and should qualify for it, at least for the time being. They told me it could take up to a year to see a judge and that year is coming up next month.

I feel like I am going crazy at times. There is no extra money to even go and do things anymore. It was suggested by my therapist to try video game streaming and maybe starting a you tube channel, which I was excited about. Then my insecurities and self esteem kicked in and I can't even bring myself to do that because the voice inside my head tells me "what person would tune in to whatever you are doing because you are a fat ugly loser."

The wife and mom are at a loss because the mostly cheery happy John that they know and love has pretty much all but disappeared and what is left is a depressed sad shell of a man who beats himself up on a daily basis for not being able to provide for his family and keep the promise to father that he would take care of his mom when he passed. I am trying to stay on the positive side and look for bright spots here and there but damn, it is so hard. Well I guess this is enough whining now but I wanted to be honest with you all and let you all know exactly what is going on with me right now.

Thank you for taking the time to read this blog I appreciate it.
Hopefully soon the funny funny lively john will be back.

Love you all.

Whats going on with me at the moment.

Well this will be a short little blog to give you a heads up about whats going on with me. I am now in the waiting period of finding out about my Gastric bypass surgery with sleeve to get scheduled. Once I get a date I will let everyone know about it and will be blogging about the weight loss journey that it entitles. I might post videos for it also not quite sure yet though. If you all will be interested please let me know, your input will be very valuable to me.

I should be going fishing a little bit more here soon. It's something I love doing and its easy on my ankle and knee. My good friend and longtime fishing buddy Dennis sent me some fishing flies that he made that I am dying to try out.

March 7th I am going to the 3rd annual Spookshow that the Halloween club is putting on. I will be taking pictures and blogging about it when I get back. I am looking forward to it. Those of you who know me know I love Halloween and all sorts of dark and weird things. I will have a link posted if you are interested in going or at least checking it out.

Well that's about it for me for right now please stay tuned for more blogs and such. Love you all.

The Rantings of an Old Man: New Year hopefully new me!

The Rantings of an Old Man: New Year hopefully new me!: Well boys and girls the new year is upon us let's hope this brings new and exciting things for all of us. I hope this year brings some b...

New Year hopefully new me!

Well boys and girls the new year is upon us let's hope this brings new and exciting things for all of us. I hope this year brings some big changes for me as well as my family. I have an actual doctor that I can see on a regular basis. Hopefully workman's comp insurance (Avizent or York, whatever their name is because they like being a pain and changing their name whenever I get denials to see my therapist or psychiatrist) will follow through and help with the scheduling of my Gastric Bypass surgery. Hey the sun does shine on a dogs butt every now and again right?

I am looking forward to hopefully hanging out with my friends karl and liz and their wonderful kids more this year. I am also planning on not being such a hermit and hopefully hanging out with a few more of you friends in the future upcoming months. I am going to attempt some more regular blogging and IF and when the surgery happens doing a youtube video of progress and also I am going to reattempt streaming. I am hugely involved in playing World of Warcraft again after a 2 year hiatus.  I have decided that I should enjoy streaming that since I am so familiar with it so wish me luck. I just let depression take hold really badly these last few months and didn't stream or anything and that was just dumb. I made some pretty cool friends on Twitch.tv  and I feel like I let them down. Well I am back and this new year I will not let them down. I truly hope they still have my back when it comes to streaming. I truly need to figure out how to youtube and stuff so the you tube idea might take awhile because I have never done anything like it.

Well this is a short little blog I know. Hopefully soon I will see something that will  cause me a rant or memory of something funny or exciting that happened in the past that I can blog about.

If you guys want a topic or something blogged about from my point of view leave a comment below.

You all have a great New Year.

The Old Man.