OK Where to begin since it's been awhile since I blogged due to things and feelings which I will explain I haven't been feeling like doing anything. My psychotherapist told me I should honestly blog about everything that has been going on so here we go.
I was injured in August of 2009 at work . Before all of this I was active, I made okay money, I was able to help support my mother and my soon to be wife, I was losing weight, I would go fishing and the movies and I was able to walk around without difficulty. In 2010 I was put on a leave of absence from work because work couldn't accommodate my work restrictions. Around Halloween time I had surgery for the injury which didn't really help and from that injury I ended up with other complications to other body parts. Start of 2011 workman's comp started arguing everything that came up to the point where I needed to get a lawyer. In 2011 workman's comp stopped paying me so what money I was getting stopped at this point my employer sent me a letter saying that I was fired due to the medical condition from my injury. Now I tried to get unemployment but that couldn't be done because unemployment said they need income from the previous year which they couldn't get because I wasn't working. I wasn't working because from 2010 till now 2015 I have been listed has TTD, (Temporary Totally Disabled). The lawyer has advised me that working would cause problems with my workman's comp case. Now because of all of this and the injury which wasn't allowing me to walk very well or do any kind of exercise I have gained close to 100 lbs. Because of that the injury and my limp has created severe knee pain and lower back pain. Because of the weight gain and not being able to work, it has triggered severe depression and a social anxiety disorder.
My lawyer got me in to see a new orthopedic doctor, who is just wonderful. He said that my knee injury that was caused by my ankle surgery and it has changed the way I walk. I have two minor tears in my ligaments. The problem is that he doesn't want to do surgery because at my weight it wouldn't really fix anything. He then suggested bariatric weight loss surgery. Well of course workman's comp said no. Then the lawyer said okay lets go to court. We go to court, which honestly happens every few months because this company doesn't get in touch with people, or returns calls, just constantly says no. Well, we get the okay for the surgery and I get to go to a consultation for my bariatric surgery. I go through what takes a years time of testing because at every door they say no or they don't return authorization. Finally though I finish up with the tests, get medications to control blood pressure and other things that were brought on by the huge weight gain and change in my lifestyle from my injury. I go for a follow up with my bariatric surgeon and he says they will call me to schedule the date of my surgery when the get the final clearance from workman's comp. The kicker is now workman's comp is saying no again to the surgery and it's been almost 6 months since my last tests. This time it's supposedly because they aren't accredited with workman's comp. Come to find out, no bariatric surgeon is. So here I am, having to wait again for another court date and if it doesn't happen soon, I will have to go through another series of tests, which could take another year.
During this time for the past 3 years I haven't had any source of income what so ever. My mother, who is in her late sixties is working and the social security that she gets from my father passing takes care of the mortgage payment. My wife who suffers from Crohns disease is also working on and off. The house we live in still has over 90k in mortgage left. Bills are stacking up and I even at one point sold my car to make sure bills were covered. The flooring in our house is destroyed, and half the electrical in the house doesn't work. I can't do anything to fix it because workman's comp is dragging this out and making things difficult.
I have signed up for disability, they turned me down twice and I had to get a lawyer for that as well. At the moment, I am temporarily totally disabled and should qualify for it, at least for the time being. They told me it could take up to a year to see a judge and that year is coming up next month.
I feel like I am going crazy at times. There is no extra money to even go and do things anymore. It was suggested by my therapist to try video game streaming and maybe starting a you tube channel, which I was excited about. Then my insecurities and self esteem kicked in and I can't even bring myself to do that because the voice inside my head tells me "what person would tune in to whatever you are doing because you are a fat ugly loser."
The wife and mom are at a loss because the mostly cheery happy John that they know and love has pretty much all but disappeared and what is left is a depressed sad shell of a man who beats himself up on a daily basis for not being able to provide for his family and keep the promise to father that he would take care of his mom when he passed. I am trying to stay on the positive side and look for bright spots here and there but damn, it is so hard. Well I guess this is enough whining now but I wanted to be honest with you all and let you all know exactly what is going on with me right now.
Thank you for taking the time to read this blog I appreciate it.
Hopefully soon the funny funny lively john will be back.
Love you all.
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