Thoughts that consume me.

I lay awake at night and the thoughts bombard me constantly. What did I do to deserve what has been happening these past few years? Who did I wrong that keeps me on this path of suffering? Why can't I keep these horrible thoughts from invading every aspect of my life? I look across the room when I am alone with these thoughts and see the pill bottle calling me. Telling me it would be ok, it will help stop the pain. I have lost many friends to this depression. I lay awake countless nights with thoughts of how many people actually know or let alone care what I am going through. How many people say things like he is just wanting sympathy or its not as bad as he is making it out to believe. Why do I feel that I need to keep a distance from people because I may hurt them. Why do I have the urge to just start punching people till I feel better about myself. Some thoughts go into greater detail like doing something drastic and overly violent to people just to shed light on the frustration of the turmoil of what I am going through with this depression and the never ending battle with worker's comp and the situation  I am in at this house. I see people who are living happy lives and things going their way and while I am completely happy and proud for them. The thoughts of just wanting to hate them start to creep in. This is not me this is not who I am. I am John I am the one who has always had friends who has always been the overly funny guy that people like having around. I feel him slipping away being over taken by this hateful, depressed fueled violent dark person that wants to cause pain and hurt to everyone around him and this terrifies me. I want to be happy I want to enjoy time with my loved ones. I don't want to just have little moments of happiness that eventually give way to darker thoughts like they have been lately. I love my wife and my mother. I don't want to put them through this anymore than what they have already had to be put through with me. I want to go out and be me. I want to be the John that didn't care what people thought! I want to be the John that people called jolly and happy and fun to be around. Not this john that has alienated some good friends and have pissed off other friends to where they don't even acknowledge my existence. If this keeps up I am afraid of what will happen there is only so much I can fight before I give up throw in the towel. I want to get better! I need to get better!

I love you all thank you for taking the time to read this.