I hate following up a funny post with something thats not funny but my therapist suggested to write when things get me down to help purge the depressed feelings.
I have for the past few hours, just started getting depressed and wanting to just go to bed. It all stems around the lack of money that has hit me since the injury. Those of you who don't know I was injured at work in 2009 and have been dealing with workman's comp since then. Now workman's comp paid me for the 2 years I was injured but in 2012 they stopped paying me and since I was put on a leave of absence from work I couldn't collect unemployment benefits due to not having an income for the previous year. Now you might be asking yourself "why not just get another job?" The answer isn't that easy. Since I am on workman's comp and have an open case, finding a job would mess that all up. So my lawyer, who is awesome, has informed me that working would not be beneficial. I am at Temporary Total Disability but SSDI has denied me twice so I am now awaiting a court date with a different lawyer. It's just so taxing that I have no form of income coming in and it weighs very heavy on me on a daily basis. There are so many things I want to do, like move my family to Oregon to be closer to family. I know leaving some of my closer friends here in CA will be tough but they know its something I really want and that it would make me feel better. Its been really hard keeping up with bills. I have had to sell my car which was really tough to do. The house is falling apart around us. I know that we are easily upside down on moms mortgage and she is basically paying the tax on the house. I vowed to my father that I would take care of my mother when he passed and I feel like I have failed in that aspect. I want to give my loving wife the life she deserves and I can't really do that right now. I keep on getting thoughts in my head that family might think I am a loser or using my mom or just not wanting to work and waiting for a handout and that's the furthest from the truth.
This for some of you is not me in the least it has caused severe mental health issues with me. I used to be always happy and cheerful and the life of parties and always wanting to go out and do things now I get physically sick when invited to do things and stay at home. I used to not care what people think and now I cant even get up the nerve to stream I always find an excuse not do it. Its a battle getting up in the morning and not let the weight of everything get to me but its hard. At my age gaming is fun and a blast but I keep thinking that I am not good enough to stream what I play. With the passing of Robin Williams, which struck me hard, I know what its like to keep things hidden while constantly battling the severe depression and anxiety I feel. Its just sad that it took the passing of someone famous to shed light on this Mental disorder to make people realize that people hurt and it's a daily struggle to keep up appearances.
I thank you for taking the time to read this. I don't want everyone to feel sorry, I just want people to understand. Hopefully soon the surgery, I have been okayed for, happens then I should start feeling better and in the long run all this pain and suffering will be behind me. I know it will take a long while. I just ask that you all bare with me and don't judge me too much. I love you all.
John.
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